Get Lost!

As a general rule, people avoid getting lost. It's a waste of time, or energy or resources. You have a plan, and you know how to get there. Contrary to this belief, I've found that feeling lost has lead to finding the truth about myself. Truths I wouldn't have found without the chaos and disconnectedness that comes with being lost.

The whole getting lost bit is a reoccurring theme in my life. As I mentioned before, I'm actually quite terrified of change and the unknown. Right before a big breakthrough, I usually descend into a period of chaos. I feel lost, disjointed, and useless. And after a period of chaos, I find the strength and determination to take action. Generally speaking, the action produces amazing results.

When I was 16 years old, my dog, died unexpectedly. Buffy was my best friend in the whole entire world! My everything. I lived out in the middle of nowhere and she was a constant companion. She'd let me cry into her furry shoulder, protect me from the harsh world, and best yet, not judge me for eating my feelings. A lot of the details are blurry with pain, but I remember on my brother's birthday, I came home to hear the surreal words: "Buffy is dead." Wait. She's gone?! My beloved dog had licked my face that very morning before school and now she was gone?? I couldn't comprehend it. I was lost. Emotionless and yet raw. I ran outside, sank into the dewy grass, and screamed at the sky. "WHY?! WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME?!? I NEED HER!!!" And then I collapsed into a pile of tears and misery.

This ordeal sent me spiraling into an existential crisis. It was a pretty epic experience for me. I threw myself into religious studies. I had to figure out why a deity who was supposed to care about its creations would allow such a traumatic thing to happen to me, a decently devoted follower. (Disclaimer: I understand that on the scale of horrible, traumatic things, this barely registers, but to 16-year-old me, it was a 7.2 magnitude earthquake).

I had lost faith. I couldn't find an acceptable answer in the scriptures, so I did what felt natural to me: I took to the woods. I sat on a log by a deserted campfire, crying up at the stars, asking "why?" And then I got very bold. I said to whatever was listening: "if you truly exist, send me a sign." Lo and behold, a doe walked silently out of the woods. I swear she made eye contact with me for a few heart-stopping minutes before turning calmly and quietly to disappear back into the woods.

I know most of you are thinking "What kind of sign is that? You grew up in rural Pennsylvania. There are thousands of deer in the woods!"
Well, you logical folks may be correct. But to my lost, wounded 16-yr-old mind, it was a sign. A sign that led me to research other religions. This was before the magic of the Internet, so I spent hours pouring of books in the library. I started on the Greek pantheon and worked my way to modern earth based spirituality.
Now don't worry. I'm not going to give you a dissertation about my religious beliefs. My point is that the turmoil I felt spurred me into action. And through that action, my eyes were opened to many different beliefs, faiths and paths in life. The doe in the woods knocked the blinders away. She allowed me to start seeing the world as a huge place full of many different people experiencing life in many different ways. My desire to find out why my beloved dog was taken away from me had opened my eyes. At a time I thought I was lost and I had no idea how I was going to go on, I unlocked a part of my greater journey.

Two years ago, I descended into another period of chaos. I was about to turn 25!! I don't know about you, but I had always believed that I would have my life together by the time I turned a quarter century! Sure, I lived in a fantastic city, doing work I loved, surrounded by awesome people. But for some reason, I was missing something. Did I need a career change? More stability? An adult relationship? I started searching for the missing part of the puzzle. I had recently acquired my passport and I got to thinking: "Why not try to figure out things on a quarter-century celebration trip around Europe?" Whoa. That was a terrifying thought at first. Solo? Europe? How the heck was I supposed to do that?

So I took action. I began researching and planning it out: London to visit a great college friend; Cannes to visit an ex of mine; Paris because it was on my bucket list; and Barcelona because I heard it was cool. I threw myself into booking hostels, planning connecting flights, and absorbing all the travel tips I could get my hands on. Two months of preparations and I still didn't feel like I was ready.

When I couldn't plan anymore, I took action. Gingerly stick my toes in the water before holding my nose and jumping. I got on the plane and had the time of my life. 2 weeks, 3 countries, some new friends, and countless memories and stories. I not only survived in these foreign countries, I thrived! I learned to trust myself. I learned to wander and take it all in. I learned to enjoy the simple moments. I learned how easy it was for me to start conversations with strangers that later became friends. The places I saw, the people I met, and the experiences I had awoke something in me. I needed to meet new people, see the world, and make memories that add to my story.

My broken state last year, that I previously mentioned was another period of disorder and confusion. I look back with awe at all the amazing things that came out of that time: Running! Yoga! Weight loss! Self-esteem!

All of these experiences, these periods of feeling lost, helped me uncover so many aspects of my true self. These undiscovered aspects were hidden deep inside waiting to be freed.

So I've learned that getting lost is an essential part of my journey. The chaos spurs dedication and focus which then leads to actions that change my life.

Trust me, I know that feeling lost and being in periods of unknown, endless chaos is absolutely terrifying. I'm telling you however that if you embrace the fear and use it as fuel, life changing experiences will happen.