Beating Yourself Up from the Inside Out - Cruella-Style

As many of you may know, depression hurts as badly, if not worse, than external injuries. Depression leaves you feeling sore, and achey. Not to mention lethargic and defeated!  These internal wounds can't be healed with Neosporin and bandages. And worse yet, you might not even know what causes them. Not knowing where the attacks are coming from is terrifying. How can you prevent further injury to yourself if you don't know who the attacker is?!

So, I've begun to identity my attacker: Cruella De Vil, the fabulously dressed, husky-voiced, puppy-stealing adversary feared by many an animal-loving Disney child. Yes. Cruella is what I call my inner demon voice. The one that berates me, makes me feel like I'm unworthy, and pushes me towards consoling cupcakes. She knows exactly what to say to break me down. To take away my successes and have me shoveling my face with "comfort food." And then, when I give into her (ie eat something unhealthy for me, or feel unsuccessful) she says, "See, I told you so. You're not worth it. I don't know why you try so hard. You'll never succeed. Sit down, watch this tv show. Here I got you Doritos."

Turns out eating my feelings doesn't make me feel any better. A consoling cupcake or bag of Doritos makes you feel better for about a minute. It pats you on the head, and tells you everything is going to be ok. But it's not ok! That pat on the head cost you a 2.5 mile run-worth of calories!  Even worse, I didn't really want the Doritos. So, she wins. She makes me feel defeated. All the runs and workouts are negated because I stuff my face to silence an inner voice. And yet, I prove the voice right by failing myself and my workout regimen.

So what do you do? Once I've identified my attacker/inner demon, I should try to get rid of them, right? Stop the hurt. End the cycle. Sounds easy, right? Well, another terrifying thing for me, is change. I've been existing at a status quo, but at least I am existing. It's not my best self, or necessarily a truly happy self, but I am able to maintain some semblance of a functional life.  The unknown is often times scarier than the demons we face. What happens if I exorcise those demons and bigger, scarier demons take their place?! I don't know about you, but that terrifies me. Since I lived so long with these smaller, less threatening demons, they feel like a part of me. A mean, hurtful part of me that's hellbent on holding me back from my true potential.  I didn't like having them around, but it was comfortable. I knew what their weapons were and how they intended to use them. Over the past year, I've been able to notice Cruella's voice and separate it from my true inner voice. Do I recognize her every time? No. That witch is sneaky! Of course there are some days I slip and enjoy the comfort of knowing she's there. Enjoy the minute of feeling good and the comforting pat on the head. I'm only human and I'm learning to accept my mistakes. I cannot, however, continue to accept these mistakes. I'm separating the voices, and brushing hers off as false prophecy. I'm learning that I will succeed and the confidence I feel when I push through a big run lasts much longer than a cupcake.

One step at a time. The first big step I've accomplished is separating the voices. And will there be some scary, horrible demon hiding behind it's minion? Maybe. But I've reached the breaking point. The line I'm ready to cross to change.

So here goes.

A Year Of Change

1/17/13


A little over a year ago (Dec 2011), I was lost and broken. Like really broken. My spirit was wrecked. I didn't think I could do the simplest things. I felt I had failed at a job. I was eating my feelings while I laid in bed and watched trashy tv shows. I avoided my friends, unless there was booze involved. And then I would find myself crying into my booze at the end of the evening. I was a mess. I couldn't comprehend why anyone wanted to be around me. I definitely didn't want to be around  anyone.

I wrote to myself in a journal: 
"_____ doesn't want you. Are you surprised?? YOU don't even want YOU!! If you wanted you, you'd take better care of yourself. You'd be making plans and working towards achieving goals. Listen. I know you're burnt out. But neglecting yourself is not the way to recharge."

It may surprise a number of people that beneath this bubbly, outgoing persona, there was someone who harbored so much resent towards herself. Someone who judged herself so critically, and often unfairly. Deep down, there was a lot of hatred and shame. The confidence was fake and forced. "Fake it til ya make it!" 

But around this time last year, something inside of me shifted.

I began running (thanks to the encouragement of one of my good friends, Ariel! She got me on a treadmill and cheered me on for my first, and hardest mile.) And I kept going. I started tracking my times, pushing myself, adding yoga and weight training. And it felt good. Miraculously, all the work I was putting into my body was paying off. Not only in physical changes (weight loss, increase on strength and stamina), but also in mental changes as well. I didn't have to force confidence as much. I didn't berate myself for not running fast enough. I simply congratulated myself on getting out there. And promised to try harder next time. Those little promises were enough to keep fueling my journey towards change. I wasn't spending nearly as many hours criticizing myself. I didn't sit around and focus on all the things that were wrong with me. All my failures. My attitude shifted. I was pushing myself in a positive way. Encouraging myself. "We'll get had PR (personal record) next time. Just keep going. Girl, you got this."

This was a HUGE step for me. I began to heal a dark spot I've carried around for a long time. Too long. 18 years or so? Long time. For now, I'll refer to it as a dark spot, a defining moment in my personal history. Some day soon, I will share exactly what it is that haunts me. Promise. 

I am still working through a few things but my negative self-talk is very much becoming a thing of the past. Slowly but surely I'm working out the hatred and letting go of the shame.

To be perfectly frank, the year of 2012 was LIFE-CHANGING. 

Every mile I clocked helped reinforce my worth to my biggest critic : me. Every time I hit the pavement, I smiled with satisfaction that THIS was MY time. I deserve this. I know I shouldn't have to prove to myself that I am worthy, but that dark spot has a way of overshadowing any ideas of self-worth. And it's still something I'm working on. I have off days. I have days where I still eat my feelings and then beat myself up over it. But they are going down in frequency. I'm shifting my focus away from negativity.  At times, that nagging dark spot makes it awfully hard to see myself as someone of value. Someone worthy. Thankfully, this is changing. I am healing.

Recently, I've discovered a greater purpose. Something big, and inspiring. A great goal  I feel very passionate about achieving. So, I can't waste time and energy on hating myself. I need to make the dark spot an ally for now, while the healing continues. I've got big plans ahead!! And this blog is where I am going to share those plans with you, hopefully inspiring others along the way. 

So I leave you with this: what are your dreams? What's stopping you from going out there and getting them? Excuses? Yourself? Oh boy do I understand that! And we can overcome. We will.

:)

P.S.- Bear with me... I'm new to this blogging thing! <3