Beating Yourself Up from the Inside Out - Cruella-Style

As many of you may know, depression hurts as badly, if not worse, than external injuries. Depression leaves you feeling sore, and achey. Not to mention lethargic and defeated!  These internal wounds can't be healed with Neosporin and bandages. And worse yet, you might not even know what causes them. Not knowing where the attacks are coming from is terrifying. How can you prevent further injury to yourself if you don't know who the attacker is?!

So, I've begun to identity my attacker: Cruella De Vil, the fabulously dressed, husky-voiced, puppy-stealing adversary feared by many an animal-loving Disney child. Yes. Cruella is what I call my inner demon voice. The one that berates me, makes me feel like I'm unworthy, and pushes me towards consoling cupcakes. She knows exactly what to say to break me down. To take away my successes and have me shoveling my face with "comfort food." And then, when I give into her (ie eat something unhealthy for me, or feel unsuccessful) she says, "See, I told you so. You're not worth it. I don't know why you try so hard. You'll never succeed. Sit down, watch this tv show. Here I got you Doritos."

Turns out eating my feelings doesn't make me feel any better. A consoling cupcake or bag of Doritos makes you feel better for about a minute. It pats you on the head, and tells you everything is going to be ok. But it's not ok! That pat on the head cost you a 2.5 mile run-worth of calories!  Even worse, I didn't really want the Doritos. So, she wins. She makes me feel defeated. All the runs and workouts are negated because I stuff my face to silence an inner voice. And yet, I prove the voice right by failing myself and my workout regimen.

So what do you do? Once I've identified my attacker/inner demon, I should try to get rid of them, right? Stop the hurt. End the cycle. Sounds easy, right? Well, another terrifying thing for me, is change. I've been existing at a status quo, but at least I am existing. It's not my best self, or necessarily a truly happy self, but I am able to maintain some semblance of a functional life.  The unknown is often times scarier than the demons we face. What happens if I exorcise those demons and bigger, scarier demons take their place?! I don't know about you, but that terrifies me. Since I lived so long with these smaller, less threatening demons, they feel like a part of me. A mean, hurtful part of me that's hellbent on holding me back from my true potential.  I didn't like having them around, but it was comfortable. I knew what their weapons were and how they intended to use them. Over the past year, I've been able to notice Cruella's voice and separate it from my true inner voice. Do I recognize her every time? No. That witch is sneaky! Of course there are some days I slip and enjoy the comfort of knowing she's there. Enjoy the minute of feeling good and the comforting pat on the head. I'm only human and I'm learning to accept my mistakes. I cannot, however, continue to accept these mistakes. I'm separating the voices, and brushing hers off as false prophecy. I'm learning that I will succeed and the confidence I feel when I push through a big run lasts much longer than a cupcake.

One step at a time. The first big step I've accomplished is separating the voices. And will there be some scary, horrible demon hiding behind it's minion? Maybe. But I've reached the breaking point. The line I'm ready to cross to change.

So here goes.