I am scared. It's a few days before one of the biggest physical challenges of my life: My half marathon. And lucky for me, I've got my own little demented cheerleader! Yay! Cruella is out in full force to throw me off my game, knock me down, fill me with heavy, defeating doubts. She's got me terrified.
I've heard "use fear as fuel for your journey". Well, unfortunately for me, my fear transforms into a megaphone for Cruella. She knows exactly what to say to make my fear seem insurmountable. Some of the inner dialogue happening right now revolving around my half marathon goes a little something like this: "What if you don't finish? Won't you be really ashamed of yourself then! Talked a big game and couldn't deliver. How are you going to tell everybody out there that you tried and FAILED?! How inspiring is that? Maybe the biggest goal you've set for yourself in a very long time, and there's a very good chance you could crash and burn."
That stream of evil consciousness is echoing vehemently from the darkest depths. So, it got me thinking. Why is Cruella yelling so loudly about this? Why would my failure this time be more important than any other day? Well, I'll tell you what: This race means a lot to me. I've spent a lot of my life attaching my self worth to things/events/my weight/people. And this half marathon is one of those. Luckily, this attachment is much healthier for me than ones I've had in the past. The reason I've done this for so long is because of my lack of self-worth. If I could just get the good grades, or that popular boy, or win that award, maybe then I would believe I was worth something. Clearly someone who achieves something like that is worthy. So, I've lived my life in a yo-yo. Achieving for the wrong reasons. I never actually believed I would reach any of my goals, and I'm always pleasantly surprised when I do. After accumulating such a list is achievements, you would think I'd start to see my self-worth through my various accomplishments. Sounds about right. Except I have Cruella, who is loud enough to drown out the success. Her tunnel vision on my failures becomes my tunnel vision. I can't accept the things I HAVE done because of the laundry list of things I HAVEN'T done.
I've begun the battle to silence Cruella, but it's going to take awhile. So, in the meantime, I'm teaching myself to fail. Not all the time, mind you. But sometimes you have to fail so you learn a better way to succeed. Also, as most people know, the struggle is what really brings value to the success. And what's more of a struggle than overcoming failure? A resonating quote for me is "Failure isn't the end, quitting is."
Thankfully, I have people who believe in me regardless of how many times I fall down. And instead of running away scared, I'm going to give it my all. And if that leads to a failure, if I don't finish the half marathon, it won't take away all the good things I have done in training. It won't take away the love of the people who believe in me, the things I've already proven to myself, or the lessons learned on this journey. Nor will it be the end. I may fail, but I will never quit. I have big plans for the futures and I can continue to improve.
And regardless of how well I do or do not do, I'm going to be proud of myself, proud of what I accomplished, and proud that I challenged myself and pushed myself to be better.
Alright. Get out your tissues. I'm about to get real sappy up in here!
We've already established how I don't always believe in myself (worth, love, abilities, etc). Same story different day. But what's different in this story is that a bunch of you crazies out there believe in me so much that it's actually helping me change my personal opinions about myself. When I'm in the deep darkness of my destructive mind, my network of family, friends, and acquaintances have a way of lifting me up
Thank you. I don't think I say it enough. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Your faith in my abilities--whether it be to put on pants in the morning or run 10 miles--really blows me away. It makes all the miserable fade away and silences those nasty inner critics.
I know I would not be where I am today without the love and support of all the wonderful people in my life. Everyone deserves that! The world is a very lonely place at times, and you need to be able to reach out and know someone cares about you and is cheering you on. I am truly blessed in that area. I must be doing something right!
I have some many great friends that will listen to me babble on about the same boring topics. I have some fabulous friends working to keep me on track with my nutritional and fitness goals. I have some crazy friends that help me blow off steam. I have the supportive friends who are there to pick me up when I fall. And I have at least of thousand acquaintances on Facebook that encourage me to go on with every like or comment. Everyone of you the reads this blog validates my need to share my story. My amazing instructors at New York Sports Club that cheer me on, notice my growth, but don't let me get away with less than 100%.
My advice to anyone trying to do a big life change is to find a support group. An online meeting of like minds. A circle of friends with similar goals. A MeetUp group. Anything. Just put yourself out there and meet new people. My life would be so stagnant if I didn't meet new people and hear their stories. There is no reason to take this journey alone. I know in my life, it takes a village. I wouldn't have it any other way.
If you are looking or are in need of someone to be there for you, let me know. Everyone deserves someone to believe in them or help them get back on track. If you need that, just let me know. I tend to be a busy person, but I make time for people who need me.
I am humbled. Thank you. I honestly don't know what I would do without each and everyone one of you. I am definitely a blessed and lucky individual. I hope I can continue to be a great friend, a positive influence, or a crazy motivator to anyone who needs me.
Life is hard. Why not have some incredible people to help share the load?
I've talked about my past and hinted at my future, but today I'm going to talk about the present. Right now in this present moment, I feel mentally awful. Defeated, depressed, and deprecating. Awesome.
Normally to combat days like this, I lay in bed and watch trashy tv shows and just try to escape from the nasty thoughts. I shovel cupcakes and cheese doodles mindlessly into my mouth. Or worse, don't eat all day, until I finally crawl out of my lethargy to find chocolate chip cookies left by my caring roommates.
Don't get me wrong, sometimes you need those days of rest and prime time soap operas. I get it. I don't however need the empty calories that trigger nasty thoughts and the nasty thoughts that push me to the calories. My never ending vicious cycle.
I'm learning the difference between rest and avoidance. There are the days, like Sunday, when my body performed terribly in yoga. I took that as a sign I needed to rest my body. After a two hour nap, I crushed an 8 mile run, shattered my precious record of 7 miles.
However, days like today aren't restful. They are tricks played by Cruella to knock me off course. To push me back down and keep me in check. She doesn't like losing control over me. She doesn't like seeing me win or having me feel proud of myself. So she knows when I get knocked off course, I begin to think I can't do it. I lose faith in myself. I can't win, but she does.
Luckily enough, I'm self-aware enough to recognize Cruella's sneaky plans. Today is the fight to not succumb to the temptations that throw me off. Not allow the empty calories or negative thoughts to pollute my system into a backslide.
These temptations are in full force today. The butterscotch krimpets at the deli where I pick up my lunch. The celebratory donuts in the green room. The fresh baked cookies from an actors wife... These delicious, sweet and salty chocolate chip cookies his 9-month pregnant wife slaved over, to share with the company. I'll take my cookie with a glass of guilt and reluctance please! And it's not even 2pm yet! Today is sure to be a test of my will.
I'd love to know why some days I just wake up feeling miserable. I know the reason stems from Cruella, but why does she choose some days to hit harder than others? Does it have something to do with my level of resistance? Hormones? Lack of attention? A bout of February loneliness? It's probably a combination of all these things.
I could almost tell today was gonna be a rough day. As I was falling asleep last night, my mind on the edge of slumber, cruel and hurtful thoughts flooded my empty brain. Thoughts that may or may not be true. But in the resonating darkness of my sleepy mind, they feel like undeniable truths. Because, I'm exhausted and don't have the energy to fight, the thoughts take seed. And then they marinate for the next 6-8 hours. Not too surprisingly, I wake up feeling miserable because I clearly spent those unconscious hours hating myself.
So today, I'm fighting temptation, one sweet treat at a time. I'm going to drink a glass of water every time I want to eat something sweet. One drink of water at the time. I'll reward myself with a 4 mile run, and some broccoli. Because those are the healthy things I deserve.
P.S.- I've attached some motivational quotes that I like and I picture of the donut plate as a deterrent. :)
As a general rule, people avoid getting lost. It's a waste of time, or energy or resources. You have a plan, and you know how to get there. Contrary to this belief, I've found that feeling lost has lead to finding the truth about myself. Truths I wouldn't have found without the chaos and disconnectedness that comes with being lost.
The whole getting lost bit is a reoccurring theme in my life. As I mentioned before, I'm actually quite terrified of change and the unknown. Right before a big breakthrough, I usually descend into a period of chaos. I feel lost, disjointed, and useless. And after a period of chaos, I find the strength and determination to take action. Generally speaking, the action produces amazing results.
When I was 16 years old, my dog, died unexpectedly. Buffy was my best friend in the whole entire world! My everything. I lived out in the middle of nowhere and she was a constant companion. She'd let me cry into her furry shoulder, protect me from the harsh world, and best yet, not judge me for eating my feelings. A lot of the details are blurry with pain, but I remember on my brother's birthday, I came home to hear the surreal words: "Buffy is dead." Wait. She's gone?! My beloved dog had licked my face that very morning before school and now she was gone?? I couldn't comprehend it. I was lost. Emotionless and yet raw. I ran outside, sank into the dewy grass, and screamed at the sky. "WHY?! WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME?!? I NEED HER!!!" And then I collapsed into a pile of tears and misery.
This ordeal sent me spiraling into an existential crisis. It was a pretty epic experience for me. I threw myself into religious studies. I had to figure out why a deity who was supposed to care about its creations would allow such a traumatic thing to happen to me, a decently devoted follower. (Disclaimer: I understand that on the scale of horrible, traumatic things, this barely registers, but to 16-year-old me, it was a 7.2 magnitude earthquake).
I had lost faith. I couldn't find an acceptable answer in the scriptures, so I did what felt natural to me: I took to the woods. I sat on a log by a deserted campfire, crying up at the stars, asking "why?" And then I got very bold. I said to whatever was listening: "if you truly exist, send me a sign." Lo and behold, a doe walked silently out of the woods. I swear she made eye contact with me for a few heart-stopping minutes before turning calmly and quietly to disappear back into the woods.
I know most of you are thinking "What kind of sign is that? You grew up in rural Pennsylvania. There are thousands of deer in the woods!"
Well, you logical folks may be correct. But to my lost, wounded 16-yr-old mind, it was a sign. A sign that led me to research other religions. This was before the magic of the Internet, so I spent hours pouring of books in the library. I started on the Greek pantheon and worked my way to modern earth based spirituality.
Now don't worry. I'm not going to give you a dissertation about my religious beliefs. My point is that the turmoil I felt spurred me into action. And through that action, my eyes were opened to many different beliefs, faiths and paths in life. The doe in the woods knocked the blinders away. She allowed me to start seeing the world as a huge place full of many different people experiencing life in many different ways. My desire to find out why my beloved dog was taken away from me had opened my eyes. At a time I thought I was lost and I had no idea how I was going to go on, I unlocked a part of my greater journey.
Two years ago, I descended into another period of chaos. I was about to turn 25!! I don't know about you, but I had always believed that I would have my life together by the time I turned a quarter century! Sure, I lived in a fantastic city, doing work I loved, surrounded by awesome people. But for some reason, I was missing something. Did I need a career change? More stability? An adult relationship? I started searching for the missing part of the puzzle. I had recently acquired my passport and I got to thinking: "Why not try to figure out things on a quarter-century celebration trip around Europe?" Whoa. That was a terrifying thought at first. Solo? Europe? How the heck was I supposed to do that?
So I took action. I began researching and planning it out: London to visit a great college friend; Cannes to visit an ex of mine; Paris because it was on my bucket list; and Barcelona because I heard it was cool. I threw myself into booking hostels, planning connecting flights, and absorbing all the travel tips I could get my hands on. Two months of preparations and I still didn't feel like I was ready.
When I couldn't plan anymore, I took action. Gingerly stick my toes in the water before holding my nose and jumping. I got on the plane and had the time of my life. 2 weeks, 3 countries, some new friends, and countless memories and stories. I not only survived in these foreign countries, I thrived! I learned to trust myself. I learned to wander and take it all in. I learned to enjoy the simple moments. I learned how easy it was for me to start conversations with strangers that later became friends. The places I saw, the people I met, and the experiences I had awoke something in me. I needed to meet new people, see the world, and make memories that add to my story.
My broken state last year, that I previously mentioned was another period of disorder and confusion. I look back with awe at all the amazing things that came out of that time: Running! Yoga! Weight loss! Self-esteem!
All of these experiences, these periods of feeling lost, helped me uncover so many aspects of my true self. These undiscovered aspects were hidden deep inside waiting to be freed.
So I've learned that getting lost is an essential part of my journey. The chaos spurs dedication and focus which then leads to actions that change my life.
Trust me, I know that feeling lost and being in periods of unknown, endless chaos is absolutely terrifying. I'm telling you however that if you embrace the fear and use it as fuel, life changing experiences will happen.
