Present Battles

I've talked about my past and hinted at my future, but today I'm going to talk about the present. Right now in this present moment, I feel mentally awful. Defeated, depressed, and deprecating. Awesome.

Normally to combat days like this, I lay in bed and watch trashy tv shows and just try to escape from the nasty thoughts. I shovel cupcakes and cheese doodles mindlessly into my mouth. Or worse, don't eat all day, until I finally crawl out of my lethargy to find chocolate chip cookies left by my caring roommates.

Don't get me wrong, sometimes you need those days of rest and prime time soap operas. I get it. I don't however need the empty calories that trigger nasty thoughts and the nasty thoughts that push me to the calories. My never ending vicious cycle.

I'm learning the difference between rest and avoidance. There are the days, like Sunday, when my body performed terribly in yoga. I took that as a sign I needed to rest my body. After a two hour nap, I crushed an 8 mile run, shattered my precious record of 7 miles.

However, days like today aren't restful. They are tricks played by Cruella to knock me off course. To push me back down and keep me in check. She doesn't like losing control over me. She doesn't like seeing me win or having me feel proud of myself. So she knows when I get knocked off course, I begin to think I can't do it. I lose faith in myself. I can't win, but she does.

Luckily enough, I'm self-aware enough to recognize Cruella's sneaky plans. Today is the fight to not succumb to the temptations that throw me off. Not allow the empty calories or negative thoughts to pollute my system into a backslide.

These temptations are in full force today. The butterscotch krimpets at the deli where I pick up my lunch. The celebratory donuts in the green room. The fresh baked cookies from an actors wife... These delicious, sweet and salty chocolate chip cookies his 9-month pregnant wife slaved over, to share with the company. I'll take my cookie with a glass of guilt and reluctance please! And it's not even 2pm yet! Today is sure to be a test of my will.

I'd love to know why some days I just wake up feeling miserable. I know the reason stems from Cruella, but why does she choose some days to hit harder than others? Does it have something to do with my level of resistance? Hormones? Lack of attention? A bout of February loneliness? It's probably a combination of all these things.

I could almost tell today was gonna be a rough day. As I was falling asleep last night, my mind on the edge of slumber, cruel and hurtful thoughts flooded my empty brain. Thoughts that may or may not be true. But in the resonating darkness of my sleepy mind, they feel like undeniable truths. Because, I'm exhausted and don't have the energy to fight, the thoughts take seed. And then they marinate for the next 6-8 hours. Not too surprisingly, I wake up feeling miserable because I clearly spent those unconscious hours hating myself.

So today, I'm fighting temptation, one sweet treat at a time. I'm going to drink a glass of water every time I want to eat something sweet. One drink of water at the time. I'll reward myself with a 4 mile run, and some broccoli. Because those are the healthy things I deserve.

P.S.- I've attached some motivational quotes that I like and I picture of the donut plate as a deterrent. :)