Mission to be happy

As many of you have heard, I've decided to run a half marathon for charity. Funny enough, after that last one, I wasn't sure I was going to physically be able to run another one in my life. Nothing like a good personal challenge, eh? Add a dash of self-less charity, and you've for a greater sense of purpose in life.

I've spent a good chunk of my life complaining about, blaming, and hating this or that. I've been pretty fortunate human being. I have had my share of hardships, but overall, I've had a generally good life.

Lately, however, that hasn't been enough. After the loss of my grandmother, I haven't been able to find my groove again. I'm still doing the job I love, with my awesome friends, in a great city. So why has my happiness level decreased so drastically? More importantly, how do I get it back? So, I began searching for some information, some meaning.

I'm reading a book called the Undefeated Mind by Alex Lickerman MD . It's based on Nichiren Buddhism. While I'm only a third of the way through it, there is something about the message that is ringing deep in my soul. The chapter I'm reading right now is about defining a personal mission. Lickerman says that a mission is a "goal that defines the reason it exists." It being whatever: a military operation, a company, or a person.

Lickerman shares my same view: a person's mission (function, raison d'être) is simple: TO BE HAPPY. And yes, it sounds a little selfish. But from what I've found in my personal experience, it's not. I'll explain.

What I've discovered in the first few chapters of this book is that we all have a set level of overall contentment with which we begin our lives. The book has this to say about it: " 'The set-point theory of happiness suggests that our level of subjective well-being is determined primarily by heredity and personality traits ingrained in us early in life and as a result remains relatively constant throughout our lives.' "
Basically, the author is trying to say that we have a bank account of happiness with a set total limit. So, you can add and subtract happiness to the bank with work, personal relationships, exercise, etcetera.

But how do you increase your overall limit? That's where the branch of Buddhism comes in. In addition to some sociology research, it's been determined that the most effective way to raise your lifelong happiness level is to help others.

The book goes on to say: "Only in taking care of ourselves first do we then become capable of taking care of others." Why else would the flight attendants instruct you to first secure your own oxygen mask before helping the person next to you? When you have met all of your own needs, you are in a better place to serve the needs of others.

I spent the majority of the past year making sure my oxygen mask was on correctly. The next step was trusting that oxygen was flowing even though the bag didn't inflate. My next step is to help the person next to me. I received the flier for Team SeriousFun less than a week after running my princess half marathon. At that point, I wasn't entirely sure I'd be able to run anymore. And out of nowhere, the universe presents me with an opportunity. A network of professionals who run and raise money for children. These children are very sick, and this network of people helps remind them what it's like to be kids. Imagine a childhood where you can't play with your friends outside, or make silly arts and crafts out of noodles. Imagine if your concept of fun was deciding what juice to take with your antibiotics.

I know I tend to take a lot of aspects of my life for granted. Things seem pretty cushy when you're relatively healthy and able to work a job you love. I get caught up in petty problems. This cause is waking me up. I can deal with the loss and hardships of life because they are nothing compared to what these kids are going through. My childhood wasn't perfect, but it was relatively normal and I turned out just fine. SeriousFun kids don't have those kinds of odds. They count each day as a victory. Playing games and having fun? Not a chance. Everyone of them deserves a chance to kick back and raise a little hell. The SeriousFun camps give the kids the support they need for their medical issues while allowing them to have fun and just be kids. There are 30 camps worldwide dedicated to helping enrich the lives of children. The camps also provide a support system for the parents and families, to help remind them that the struggle isn't theirs alone. They have the support and their kids have the fun.

My running the first half marathon was me taking care of myself. Now I need to help take care of others. I've found my purpose.

Please check out my page! Any donation helps send a child to camp/me to my next half marathon!
http://www.teamseriousfun.org/dublin13/halm

And also, check out this video from Team SeriousFun!
http://www.seriousfunnetwork.org/seriousfun-website/get-involved/a-message-from-clea-newman-daughter-of-paul-newman

I feel very passionate about this charity and I'm proud to be a part of something bigger than myself.

Keep Going

I tend to be a media over-sharer. I'm not going to lie, but it (Facebook, Twitter, etc) really helps me stay connected and feel involved. My love affair with social media has been a way to distribute information. All information. So, if we're friends, followers or LinkedIn, you may have heard that I recently lost my grandmother. She meant the world to me. We traveled, laughed, flirted, and embraced life together. We were kindred spirits, shared the same zest for life and interest in story-telling. Whether it was shaking it to a reggae band, or flirting with the TSA agent, country music star, or truck stop cowboy, she lived life with total abandon and without regret.

 

Last Monday, she lost her 3 year battle with cancer. As someone bluntly put it: we got 2.5 years longer than anyone expected. And boy was it a full 2.5 years. She was quite the fighter. Grammy was determined to continue living even though the doctor gave her a Stage 4 death sentence. She went on to flirt her way around Branson Missouri, dance her way into hearts of Jamaican hotel employees, celebrate her great grandkids' milestones, and inspire many people, myself included. The diagnosis was bleak in January of 2010. But Grammy decided she wanted to keep going. She wasn't done here. How simple. And effective.

A lot of people think there's a secret formula for success. Or that some people can succeed and others can't. I'll tell you the secret: Keep Going. It sounds so simple and yet it's one of the hardest things to do at times.

One application was during my half marathon. My friend Ariel had mentioned a mental strategy to keep pushing forward: Dedicate a mile to someone. That way, it increases your desire to complete it. That mile (or miles in my case) become more important because they aren't just for you anymore. So, I dedicated a good portion of my 13.1 miles to Grammy. And I kept going.

So now, after losing someone so important, I have to keep going. There isn't any other option. I mean, I COULD curl up in bed with a jar of Nutella and season 3 of Pretty Little Liars, but that would defeat all of the progress I've made in changing my lifestyle and creating a path to health and fitness. How do you deal with such incredible loss if escape and depression are options that are taken off the table? You keep going. Keep lacing up your shoes and hitting the pavement. Keep practicing your wobbly Half Moon pose. Keep eating clean and avoiding processed foods. What would Grammy want me to do? No question needed. Keep going, of course.

The key to success is persistence. Slowly, but surely. How many fables, proverbs, and inspirational quotes have you heard regarding water or turtles or persistence? A ton, I bet. “In the confrontation between the stream and the rock, the stream always wins; not through strength, but through perseverance.” The time is going to pass anyway, so why not keep going? Keep working towards your goal. It's a lot harder than it sounds. The easy way out is to give up. But giving up means failure, and for me, failure is not an option. This is my life were talking about, right? So I have to keep going. That's what Grammy would do.

So.. My wallet was stolen

Sometimes, life smacks you in the face. Really hard. Takes your wallet and makes you reevaluate how safe you feel. And how unobservant you can be. Funny how having my wallet stolen has awoken me. I passed through all the stages of emotion. Disbelief, anger, grief, action, grief again, alcohol, anger again (with a side of violence, I regret) and giddiness. True story. Lucky for me, I have a fantastic support system. A wonderful woman who gave me a metro card to use. A caring man who gave me $20. A fabulous bartender who knew what I needed (and pushed glasses of water my direction). And the countless hugs, threats against the offenders, and the jokes to make me laugh.

There's a violation of privacy that happens when something so personal is stolen. The perpetrator literal took my identity and went on a spending spree at McDonald's.. What makes a person think they have a right to take something away from someone else? I would never ever EVER think to disrespect someone like that. Someone enjoying a fabulous dinner with a friend they hadn't seen in awhile. The fact that it was stolen right under my nose makes you hyper aware of your environment. I immediately start to suspect everyone. And wonder if that guy that looked at me on the train was trying to match me to my driver's license photo. Everyone is the culprit.

Immediately I suspect everyone on this train that has a McDonald's cup. But I can't let myself turn to bitterness. Is it that hard to believe in the goodness of people, even after someone violated your personal space? I'd like to think I'm evolved enough to let the bitterness, anger, and judgement go.

Fortunately I was able to cancel my credit card and bank card before something catastrophic happened. I can only imagine what the perp bought for $26 at McDonald's. I'm almost ashamed to admit that the he/she/it better be thankful I didn't know how close they were when I was passing through my anger phase. What can I say, I'm feisty.

So, as I sit, wallet-less and concerned about the future of my PA driver's liscense, social security card, and Victoria's Secret preference card, I can't help but be humbled by the people who jumped to help me. It doesn't matter what I lost. I found what was really important. Credit cards can be cancelled. And there can only be one Jes Halm. Go ahead and try and feel these shoes! But that one Jes Halm wouldn't be anything without the incredible people in her life. Everything else is replaceable. Friendships and incredible, supportive people, are not.

So, instead of anger, bitterness, and ill will, I'll focus on compassion and gratitude for the wonderful people I am fortunate enough to share this planet with.

Thank you.

Don't wait, CREATE!

A week ago, I completed my first half marathon.                   

 I was shocked. Until the moment I saw the finish line, I never actually believed I would cross it. There I was, huffing and puffing next to a Mad Hatter who had lost his Alice, a little mermaid that might've been a man, and a clansman straight out of Brave. I had just been passed by 3 different Leias. I didn't know how much longer until my legs buckled and gave out on me. And there it was. Gleaming and beautiful. Written in that classic Disney font: Finish. It made me cry. The fact that I had made it. That I wasn't picked up by the paddy wagon and delivered to it. The fact that I wasn't last!!! I had run up and down the highway, under Cinderella's castle, through Tomorrowland and past Spaceship Earth. 13.1 miles, 3 hours, 14 minutes, and 31 seconds. And then some. I amazed myself. I cried when they handed me my finishers medal, a beautiful and heavy sign of accomplishment. I was exhilarated. I had actually done it! I set out to run a half marathon last fall, and here I was, holding a beautiful princess medal. Take that Cruella!!!

Four days later, I'm sitting in a hospital for 6 hours while my beloved grandmother gets a blood transfusion. She sleeps, peaceful looking, while the life force in a bag dangles from an ever beeping machine. The machine beeps join the soothing hums of TVs scattered about the room and the sound of determined nurses' steps as they travel from one patient to the next. I sit for nearly the entire time, while my grandmother is pumped full of two bags of A positive, with the hope that the blood will return some of her lost vitality.

Life is a fickle thing, isn't it? A crazy roller coaster. A fragile, unexpected, wild ride.

Finishing my first half-marathon and watching Grams get pumped full of blood are on opposite ends of the spectrum of the life scale. But during both, I had a lot of time to think. So, I've decided it's time I unveil my plan. One of the primary reasons I started blogging was to raise money for a charity while running an international race. Two of my favorite things: running and helping people.

During these hours of nothing but thinking, I've come to realize that as much as I complain about it, my life isn't so bad. I am blessed with a wonderful family, fantastic friends, an exciting career, health, goals, and dreams. When you're living with them, your problems seem like the worst. Insurmountable obstacles between you and your happiness. But in actuality, I have it relatively easy. Overcoming my personal challenges and completing the Princess Half has sparked a fire in me. I need to give back. I need to do more than write a blog saying "It gets better. You can do this." That's where the charity run comes in. The Princess race was for me, but now I need a race for others who need the finish line as much as I did.

My goal is to use this race to raise $1,000 for the charity of my choice. 10 miles times $100. Each of those dollars is equivalent to me giving my all, my 100% each and every mile. I plan on giving to either a charity that focuses on cancer research, or cancer patient support, or some sort of women empowerment. These issues are very close to my heart and I want to research which charity has values that mirror my own. Does anyone have any suggestions about potential charities? Which ones have you heard about or one that means something to you? I will definitely keep you posted on my charity research, but if anyone has advice, I'd love to hear it! 

The race:
I was researching races for a friend a few weeks ago when I found a 16k/10 mile race that starts at the base of the Eiffel Tower and finishes at the palace of Versailles. Some of the best half marathons for beginners are in Europe and the Paris-Versailles 16k is one of the oldest. Two and a half years ago, I strolled through Paris during my quarter life crisis trip, just taking in the beautiful city. I walked along the Seine, saw the Louvre, and ended my jaunt at the Eiffel Tower. And it took my breath away. One of the most famous manmade wonders of the world. Wow. And then, the next day, on a whim, I took the RER train out to the palace of Versailles. It was absolutely stunning. I still revere the palace as one of the most beautiful places I've ever had the privilege to visit. When I saw that there was a race connecting these two memories, I knew I had to. I HAD to!

I've found a greater purpose, something that will enrich my life and the lives of others. I will continue to challenge myself and train hard. I'm adding hills into my training as well as trying to speed up my pace. I want to continue pushing myself and getting healthier. And the icing on the cake? I will be able to give something back to the world while doing something I love.

Scared

I am scared. It's a few days before one of the biggest physical challenges of my life: My half marathon. And lucky for me, I've got my own little demented cheerleader! Yay! Cruella is out in full force to throw me off my game, knock me down, fill me with heavy, defeating doubts. She's got me terrified.

I've heard "use fear as fuel for your journey". Well, unfortunately for me, my fear transforms into a megaphone for Cruella. She knows exactly what to say to make my fear seem insurmountable. Some of the inner dialogue happening right now revolving around my half marathon goes a little something like this: "What if you don't finish? Won't you be really ashamed of yourself then! Talked a big game and couldn't deliver. How are you going to tell everybody out there that you tried and FAILED?! How inspiring is that? Maybe the biggest goal you've set for yourself in a very long time, and there's a very good chance you could crash and burn."

That stream of evil consciousness is echoing vehemently from the darkest depths. So, it got me thinking. Why is Cruella yelling so loudly about this? Why would my failure this time be more important than any other day? Well, I'll tell you what: This race means a lot to me. I've spent a lot of my life attaching my self worth to things/events/my weight/people. And this half marathon is one of those. Luckily, this attachment is much healthier for me than ones I've had in the past. The reason I've done this for so long is because of my lack of self-worth. If I could just get the good grades, or that popular boy, or win that award, maybe then I would believe I was worth something. Clearly someone who achieves something like that is worthy. So, I've lived my life in a yo-yo. Achieving for the wrong reasons. I never actually believed I would reach any of my goals, and I'm always pleasantly surprised when I do. After accumulating such a list is achievements, you would think I'd start to see my self-worth through my various accomplishments. Sounds about right. Except I have Cruella, who is loud enough to drown out the success. Her tunnel vision on my failures becomes my tunnel vision. I can't accept the things I HAVE done because of the laundry list of things I HAVEN'T done.

I've begun the battle to silence Cruella, but it's going to take awhile. So, in the meantime, I'm teaching myself to fail. Not all the time, mind you. But sometimes you have to fail so you learn a better way to succeed. Also, as most people know, the struggle is what really brings value to the success. And what's more of a struggle than overcoming failure? A resonating quote for me is "Failure isn't the end, quitting is."

Thankfully, I have people who believe in me regardless of how many times I fall down. And instead of running away scared, I'm going to give it my all. And if that leads to a failure, if I don't finish the half marathon, it won't take away all the good things I have done in training. It won't take away the love of the people who believe in me, the things I've already proven to myself, or the lessons learned on this journey. Nor will it be the end. I may fail, but I will never quit. I have big plans for the futures and I can continue to improve.

And regardless of how well I do or do not do, I'm going to be proud of myself, proud of what I accomplished, and proud that I challenged myself and pushed myself to be better.

Support system

Alright. Get out your tissues. I'm about to get real sappy up in here!

We've already established how I don't always believe in myself (worth, love, abilities, etc). Same story different day. But what's different in this story is that a bunch of you crazies out there believe in me so much that it's actually helping me change my personal opinions about myself. When I'm in the deep darkness of my destructive mind, my network of family, friends, and acquaintances have a way of lifting me up

Thank you. I don't think I say it enough. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Your faith in my abilities--whether it be to put on pants in the morning or run 10 miles--really blows me away. It makes all the miserable fade away and silences those nasty inner critics.

I know I would not be where I am today without the love and support of all the wonderful people in my life. Everyone deserves that! The world is a very lonely place at times, and you need to be able to reach out and know someone cares about you and is cheering you on. I am truly blessed in that area. I must be doing something right!

I have some many great friends that will listen to me babble on about the same boring topics. I have some fabulous friends working to keep me on track with my nutritional and fitness goals. I have some crazy friends that help me blow off steam. I have the supportive friends who are there to pick me up when I fall. And I have at least of thousand acquaintances on Facebook that encourage me to go on with every like or comment. Everyone of you the reads this blog validates my need to share my story. My amazing instructors at New York Sports Club that cheer me on, notice my growth, but don't let me get away with less than 100%.

My advice to anyone trying to do a big life change is to find a support group. An online meeting of like minds. A circle of friends with similar goals. A MeetUp group. Anything. Just put yourself out there and meet new people. My life would be so stagnant if I didn't meet new people and hear their stories. There is no reason to take this journey alone. I know in my life, it takes a village. I wouldn't have it any other way.

If you are looking or are in need of someone to be there for you, let me know. Everyone deserves someone to believe in them or help them get back on track. If you need that, just let me know. I tend to be a busy person, but I make time for people who need me.

I am humbled. Thank you. I honestly don't know what I would do without each and everyone one of you. I am definitely a blessed and lucky individual. I hope I can continue to be a great friend, a positive influence, or a crazy motivator to anyone who needs me.

Life is hard. Why not have some incredible people to help share the load?

Present Battles

I've talked about my past and hinted at my future, but today I'm going to talk about the present. Right now in this present moment, I feel mentally awful. Defeated, depressed, and deprecating. Awesome.

Normally to combat days like this, I lay in bed and watch trashy tv shows and just try to escape from the nasty thoughts. I shovel cupcakes and cheese doodles mindlessly into my mouth. Or worse, don't eat all day, until I finally crawl out of my lethargy to find chocolate chip cookies left by my caring roommates.

Don't get me wrong, sometimes you need those days of rest and prime time soap operas. I get it. I don't however need the empty calories that trigger nasty thoughts and the nasty thoughts that push me to the calories. My never ending vicious cycle.

I'm learning the difference between rest and avoidance. There are the days, like Sunday, when my body performed terribly in yoga. I took that as a sign I needed to rest my body. After a two hour nap, I crushed an 8 mile run, shattered my precious record of 7 miles.

However, days like today aren't restful. They are tricks played by Cruella to knock me off course. To push me back down and keep me in check. She doesn't like losing control over me. She doesn't like seeing me win or having me feel proud of myself. So she knows when I get knocked off course, I begin to think I can't do it. I lose faith in myself. I can't win, but she does.

Luckily enough, I'm self-aware enough to recognize Cruella's sneaky plans. Today is the fight to not succumb to the temptations that throw me off. Not allow the empty calories or negative thoughts to pollute my system into a backslide.

These temptations are in full force today. The butterscotch krimpets at the deli where I pick up my lunch. The celebratory donuts in the green room. The fresh baked cookies from an actors wife... These delicious, sweet and salty chocolate chip cookies his 9-month pregnant wife slaved over, to share with the company. I'll take my cookie with a glass of guilt and reluctance please! And it's not even 2pm yet! Today is sure to be a test of my will.

I'd love to know why some days I just wake up feeling miserable. I know the reason stems from Cruella, but why does she choose some days to hit harder than others? Does it have something to do with my level of resistance? Hormones? Lack of attention? A bout of February loneliness? It's probably a combination of all these things.

I could almost tell today was gonna be a rough day. As I was falling asleep last night, my mind on the edge of slumber, cruel and hurtful thoughts flooded my empty brain. Thoughts that may or may not be true. But in the resonating darkness of my sleepy mind, they feel like undeniable truths. Because, I'm exhausted and don't have the energy to fight, the thoughts take seed. And then they marinate for the next 6-8 hours. Not too surprisingly, I wake up feeling miserable because I clearly spent those unconscious hours hating myself.

So today, I'm fighting temptation, one sweet treat at a time. I'm going to drink a glass of water every time I want to eat something sweet. One drink of water at the time. I'll reward myself with a 4 mile run, and some broccoli. Because those are the healthy things I deserve.

P.S.- I've attached some motivational quotes that I like and I picture of the donut plate as a deterrent. :)