So.. My wallet was stolen

Sometimes, life smacks you in the face. Really hard. Takes your wallet and makes you reevaluate how safe you feel. And how unobservant you can be. Funny how having my wallet stolen has awoken me. I passed through all the stages of emotion. Disbelief, anger, grief, action, grief again, alcohol, anger again (with a side of violence, I regret) and giddiness. True story. Lucky for me, I have a fantastic support system. A wonderful woman who gave me a metro card to use. A caring man who gave me $20. A fabulous bartender who knew what I needed (and pushed glasses of water my direction). And the countless hugs, threats against the offenders, and the jokes to make me laugh.

There's a violation of privacy that happens when something so personal is stolen. The perpetrator literal took my identity and went on a spending spree at McDonald's.. What makes a person think they have a right to take something away from someone else? I would never ever EVER think to disrespect someone like that. Someone enjoying a fabulous dinner with a friend they hadn't seen in awhile. The fact that it was stolen right under my nose makes you hyper aware of your environment. I immediately start to suspect everyone. And wonder if that guy that looked at me on the train was trying to match me to my driver's license photo. Everyone is the culprit.

Immediately I suspect everyone on this train that has a McDonald's cup. But I can't let myself turn to bitterness. Is it that hard to believe in the goodness of people, even after someone violated your personal space? I'd like to think I'm evolved enough to let the bitterness, anger, and judgement go.

Fortunately I was able to cancel my credit card and bank card before something catastrophic happened. I can only imagine what the perp bought for $26 at McDonald's. I'm almost ashamed to admit that the he/she/it better be thankful I didn't know how close they were when I was passing through my anger phase. What can I say, I'm feisty.

So, as I sit, wallet-less and concerned about the future of my PA driver's liscense, social security card, and Victoria's Secret preference card, I can't help but be humbled by the people who jumped to help me. It doesn't matter what I lost. I found what was really important. Credit cards can be cancelled. And there can only be one Jes Halm. Go ahead and try and feel these shoes! But that one Jes Halm wouldn't be anything without the incredible people in her life. Everything else is replaceable. Friendships and incredible, supportive people, are not.

So, instead of anger, bitterness, and ill will, I'll focus on compassion and gratitude for the wonderful people I am fortunate enough to share this planet with.

Thank you.

Don't wait, CREATE!

A week ago, I completed my first half marathon.                   

 I was shocked. Until the moment I saw the finish line, I never actually believed I would cross it. There I was, huffing and puffing next to a Mad Hatter who had lost his Alice, a little mermaid that might've been a man, and a clansman straight out of Brave. I had just been passed by 3 different Leias. I didn't know how much longer until my legs buckled and gave out on me. And there it was. Gleaming and beautiful. Written in that classic Disney font: Finish. It made me cry. The fact that I had made it. That I wasn't picked up by the paddy wagon and delivered to it. The fact that I wasn't last!!! I had run up and down the highway, under Cinderella's castle, through Tomorrowland and past Spaceship Earth. 13.1 miles, 3 hours, 14 minutes, and 31 seconds. And then some. I amazed myself. I cried when they handed me my finishers medal, a beautiful and heavy sign of accomplishment. I was exhilarated. I had actually done it! I set out to run a half marathon last fall, and here I was, holding a beautiful princess medal. Take that Cruella!!!

Four days later, I'm sitting in a hospital for 6 hours while my beloved grandmother gets a blood transfusion. She sleeps, peaceful looking, while the life force in a bag dangles from an ever beeping machine. The machine beeps join the soothing hums of TVs scattered about the room and the sound of determined nurses' steps as they travel from one patient to the next. I sit for nearly the entire time, while my grandmother is pumped full of two bags of A positive, with the hope that the blood will return some of her lost vitality.

Life is a fickle thing, isn't it? A crazy roller coaster. A fragile, unexpected, wild ride.

Finishing my first half-marathon and watching Grams get pumped full of blood are on opposite ends of the spectrum of the life scale. But during both, I had a lot of time to think. So, I've decided it's time I unveil my plan. One of the primary reasons I started blogging was to raise money for a charity while running an international race. Two of my favorite things: running and helping people.

During these hours of nothing but thinking, I've come to realize that as much as I complain about it, my life isn't so bad. I am blessed with a wonderful family, fantastic friends, an exciting career, health, goals, and dreams. When you're living with them, your problems seem like the worst. Insurmountable obstacles between you and your happiness. But in actuality, I have it relatively easy. Overcoming my personal challenges and completing the Princess Half has sparked a fire in me. I need to give back. I need to do more than write a blog saying "It gets better. You can do this." That's where the charity run comes in. The Princess race was for me, but now I need a race for others who need the finish line as much as I did.

My goal is to use this race to raise $1,000 for the charity of my choice. 10 miles times $100. Each of those dollars is equivalent to me giving my all, my 100% each and every mile. I plan on giving to either a charity that focuses on cancer research, or cancer patient support, or some sort of women empowerment. These issues are very close to my heart and I want to research which charity has values that mirror my own. Does anyone have any suggestions about potential charities? Which ones have you heard about or one that means something to you? I will definitely keep you posted on my charity research, but if anyone has advice, I'd love to hear it! 

The race:
I was researching races for a friend a few weeks ago when I found a 16k/10 mile race that starts at the base of the Eiffel Tower and finishes at the palace of Versailles. Some of the best half marathons for beginners are in Europe and the Paris-Versailles 16k is one of the oldest. Two and a half years ago, I strolled through Paris during my quarter life crisis trip, just taking in the beautiful city. I walked along the Seine, saw the Louvre, and ended my jaunt at the Eiffel Tower. And it took my breath away. One of the most famous manmade wonders of the world. Wow. And then, the next day, on a whim, I took the RER train out to the palace of Versailles. It was absolutely stunning. I still revere the palace as one of the most beautiful places I've ever had the privilege to visit. When I saw that there was a race connecting these two memories, I knew I had to. I HAD to!

I've found a greater purpose, something that will enrich my life and the lives of others. I will continue to challenge myself and train hard. I'm adding hills into my training as well as trying to speed up my pace. I want to continue pushing myself and getting healthier. And the icing on the cake? I will be able to give something back to the world while doing something I love.

Scared

I am scared. It's a few days before one of the biggest physical challenges of my life: My half marathon. And lucky for me, I've got my own little demented cheerleader! Yay! Cruella is out in full force to throw me off my game, knock me down, fill me with heavy, defeating doubts. She's got me terrified.

I've heard "use fear as fuel for your journey". Well, unfortunately for me, my fear transforms into a megaphone for Cruella. She knows exactly what to say to make my fear seem insurmountable. Some of the inner dialogue happening right now revolving around my half marathon goes a little something like this: "What if you don't finish? Won't you be really ashamed of yourself then! Talked a big game and couldn't deliver. How are you going to tell everybody out there that you tried and FAILED?! How inspiring is that? Maybe the biggest goal you've set for yourself in a very long time, and there's a very good chance you could crash and burn."

That stream of evil consciousness is echoing vehemently from the darkest depths. So, it got me thinking. Why is Cruella yelling so loudly about this? Why would my failure this time be more important than any other day? Well, I'll tell you what: This race means a lot to me. I've spent a lot of my life attaching my self worth to things/events/my weight/people. And this half marathon is one of those. Luckily, this attachment is much healthier for me than ones I've had in the past. The reason I've done this for so long is because of my lack of self-worth. If I could just get the good grades, or that popular boy, or win that award, maybe then I would believe I was worth something. Clearly someone who achieves something like that is worthy. So, I've lived my life in a yo-yo. Achieving for the wrong reasons. I never actually believed I would reach any of my goals, and I'm always pleasantly surprised when I do. After accumulating such a list is achievements, you would think I'd start to see my self-worth through my various accomplishments. Sounds about right. Except I have Cruella, who is loud enough to drown out the success. Her tunnel vision on my failures becomes my tunnel vision. I can't accept the things I HAVE done because of the laundry list of things I HAVEN'T done.

I've begun the battle to silence Cruella, but it's going to take awhile. So, in the meantime, I'm teaching myself to fail. Not all the time, mind you. But sometimes you have to fail so you learn a better way to succeed. Also, as most people know, the struggle is what really brings value to the success. And what's more of a struggle than overcoming failure? A resonating quote for me is "Failure isn't the end, quitting is."

Thankfully, I have people who believe in me regardless of how many times I fall down. And instead of running away scared, I'm going to give it my all. And if that leads to a failure, if I don't finish the half marathon, it won't take away all the good things I have done in training. It won't take away the love of the people who believe in me, the things I've already proven to myself, or the lessons learned on this journey. Nor will it be the end. I may fail, but I will never quit. I have big plans for the futures and I can continue to improve.

And regardless of how well I do or do not do, I'm going to be proud of myself, proud of what I accomplished, and proud that I challenged myself and pushed myself to be better.

Support system

Alright. Get out your tissues. I'm about to get real sappy up in here!

We've already established how I don't always believe in myself (worth, love, abilities, etc). Same story different day. But what's different in this story is that a bunch of you crazies out there believe in me so much that it's actually helping me change my personal opinions about myself. When I'm in the deep darkness of my destructive mind, my network of family, friends, and acquaintances have a way of lifting me up

Thank you. I don't think I say it enough. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Your faith in my abilities--whether it be to put on pants in the morning or run 10 miles--really blows me away. It makes all the miserable fade away and silences those nasty inner critics.

I know I would not be where I am today without the love and support of all the wonderful people in my life. Everyone deserves that! The world is a very lonely place at times, and you need to be able to reach out and know someone cares about you and is cheering you on. I am truly blessed in that area. I must be doing something right!

I have some many great friends that will listen to me babble on about the same boring topics. I have some fabulous friends working to keep me on track with my nutritional and fitness goals. I have some crazy friends that help me blow off steam. I have the supportive friends who are there to pick me up when I fall. And I have at least of thousand acquaintances on Facebook that encourage me to go on with every like or comment. Everyone of you the reads this blog validates my need to share my story. My amazing instructors at New York Sports Club that cheer me on, notice my growth, but don't let me get away with less than 100%.

My advice to anyone trying to do a big life change is to find a support group. An online meeting of like minds. A circle of friends with similar goals. A MeetUp group. Anything. Just put yourself out there and meet new people. My life would be so stagnant if I didn't meet new people and hear their stories. There is no reason to take this journey alone. I know in my life, it takes a village. I wouldn't have it any other way.

If you are looking or are in need of someone to be there for you, let me know. Everyone deserves someone to believe in them or help them get back on track. If you need that, just let me know. I tend to be a busy person, but I make time for people who need me.

I am humbled. Thank you. I honestly don't know what I would do without each and everyone one of you. I am definitely a blessed and lucky individual. I hope I can continue to be a great friend, a positive influence, or a crazy motivator to anyone who needs me.

Life is hard. Why not have some incredible people to help share the load?

Present Battles

I've talked about my past and hinted at my future, but today I'm going to talk about the present. Right now in this present moment, I feel mentally awful. Defeated, depressed, and deprecating. Awesome.

Normally to combat days like this, I lay in bed and watch trashy tv shows and just try to escape from the nasty thoughts. I shovel cupcakes and cheese doodles mindlessly into my mouth. Or worse, don't eat all day, until I finally crawl out of my lethargy to find chocolate chip cookies left by my caring roommates.

Don't get me wrong, sometimes you need those days of rest and prime time soap operas. I get it. I don't however need the empty calories that trigger nasty thoughts and the nasty thoughts that push me to the calories. My never ending vicious cycle.

I'm learning the difference between rest and avoidance. There are the days, like Sunday, when my body performed terribly in yoga. I took that as a sign I needed to rest my body. After a two hour nap, I crushed an 8 mile run, shattered my precious record of 7 miles.

However, days like today aren't restful. They are tricks played by Cruella to knock me off course. To push me back down and keep me in check. She doesn't like losing control over me. She doesn't like seeing me win or having me feel proud of myself. So she knows when I get knocked off course, I begin to think I can't do it. I lose faith in myself. I can't win, but she does.

Luckily enough, I'm self-aware enough to recognize Cruella's sneaky plans. Today is the fight to not succumb to the temptations that throw me off. Not allow the empty calories or negative thoughts to pollute my system into a backslide.

These temptations are in full force today. The butterscotch krimpets at the deli where I pick up my lunch. The celebratory donuts in the green room. The fresh baked cookies from an actors wife... These delicious, sweet and salty chocolate chip cookies his 9-month pregnant wife slaved over, to share with the company. I'll take my cookie with a glass of guilt and reluctance please! And it's not even 2pm yet! Today is sure to be a test of my will.

I'd love to know why some days I just wake up feeling miserable. I know the reason stems from Cruella, but why does she choose some days to hit harder than others? Does it have something to do with my level of resistance? Hormones? Lack of attention? A bout of February loneliness? It's probably a combination of all these things.

I could almost tell today was gonna be a rough day. As I was falling asleep last night, my mind on the edge of slumber, cruel and hurtful thoughts flooded my empty brain. Thoughts that may or may not be true. But in the resonating darkness of my sleepy mind, they feel like undeniable truths. Because, I'm exhausted and don't have the energy to fight, the thoughts take seed. And then they marinate for the next 6-8 hours. Not too surprisingly, I wake up feeling miserable because I clearly spent those unconscious hours hating myself.

So today, I'm fighting temptation, one sweet treat at a time. I'm going to drink a glass of water every time I want to eat something sweet. One drink of water at the time. I'll reward myself with a 4 mile run, and some broccoli. Because those are the healthy things I deserve.

P.S.- I've attached some motivational quotes that I like and I picture of the donut plate as a deterrent. :)

Get Lost!

As a general rule, people avoid getting lost. It's a waste of time, or energy or resources. You have a plan, and you know how to get there. Contrary to this belief, I've found that feeling lost has lead to finding the truth about myself. Truths I wouldn't have found without the chaos and disconnectedness that comes with being lost.

The whole getting lost bit is a reoccurring theme in my life. As I mentioned before, I'm actually quite terrified of change and the unknown. Right before a big breakthrough, I usually descend into a period of chaos. I feel lost, disjointed, and useless. And after a period of chaos, I find the strength and determination to take action. Generally speaking, the action produces amazing results.

When I was 16 years old, my dog, died unexpectedly. Buffy was my best friend in the whole entire world! My everything. I lived out in the middle of nowhere and she was a constant companion. She'd let me cry into her furry shoulder, protect me from the harsh world, and best yet, not judge me for eating my feelings. A lot of the details are blurry with pain, but I remember on my brother's birthday, I came home to hear the surreal words: "Buffy is dead." Wait. She's gone?! My beloved dog had licked my face that very morning before school and now she was gone?? I couldn't comprehend it. I was lost. Emotionless and yet raw. I ran outside, sank into the dewy grass, and screamed at the sky. "WHY?! WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME?!? I NEED HER!!!" And then I collapsed into a pile of tears and misery.

This ordeal sent me spiraling into an existential crisis. It was a pretty epic experience for me. I threw myself into religious studies. I had to figure out why a deity who was supposed to care about its creations would allow such a traumatic thing to happen to me, a decently devoted follower. (Disclaimer: I understand that on the scale of horrible, traumatic things, this barely registers, but to 16-year-old me, it was a 7.2 magnitude earthquake).

I had lost faith. I couldn't find an acceptable answer in the scriptures, so I did what felt natural to me: I took to the woods. I sat on a log by a deserted campfire, crying up at the stars, asking "why?" And then I got very bold. I said to whatever was listening: "if you truly exist, send me a sign." Lo and behold, a doe walked silently out of the woods. I swear she made eye contact with me for a few heart-stopping minutes before turning calmly and quietly to disappear back into the woods.

I know most of you are thinking "What kind of sign is that? You grew up in rural Pennsylvania. There are thousands of deer in the woods!"
Well, you logical folks may be correct. But to my lost, wounded 16-yr-old mind, it was a sign. A sign that led me to research other religions. This was before the magic of the Internet, so I spent hours pouring of books in the library. I started on the Greek pantheon and worked my way to modern earth based spirituality.
Now don't worry. I'm not going to give you a dissertation about my religious beliefs. My point is that the turmoil I felt spurred me into action. And through that action, my eyes were opened to many different beliefs, faiths and paths in life. The doe in the woods knocked the blinders away. She allowed me to start seeing the world as a huge place full of many different people experiencing life in many different ways. My desire to find out why my beloved dog was taken away from me had opened my eyes. At a time I thought I was lost and I had no idea how I was going to go on, I unlocked a part of my greater journey.

Two years ago, I descended into another period of chaos. I was about to turn 25!! I don't know about you, but I had always believed that I would have my life together by the time I turned a quarter century! Sure, I lived in a fantastic city, doing work I loved, surrounded by awesome people. But for some reason, I was missing something. Did I need a career change? More stability? An adult relationship? I started searching for the missing part of the puzzle. I had recently acquired my passport and I got to thinking: "Why not try to figure out things on a quarter-century celebration trip around Europe?" Whoa. That was a terrifying thought at first. Solo? Europe? How the heck was I supposed to do that?

So I took action. I began researching and planning it out: London to visit a great college friend; Cannes to visit an ex of mine; Paris because it was on my bucket list; and Barcelona because I heard it was cool. I threw myself into booking hostels, planning connecting flights, and absorbing all the travel tips I could get my hands on. Two months of preparations and I still didn't feel like I was ready.

When I couldn't plan anymore, I took action. Gingerly stick my toes in the water before holding my nose and jumping. I got on the plane and had the time of my life. 2 weeks, 3 countries, some new friends, and countless memories and stories. I not only survived in these foreign countries, I thrived! I learned to trust myself. I learned to wander and take it all in. I learned to enjoy the simple moments. I learned how easy it was for me to start conversations with strangers that later became friends. The places I saw, the people I met, and the experiences I had awoke something in me. I needed to meet new people, see the world, and make memories that add to my story.

My broken state last year, that I previously mentioned was another period of disorder and confusion. I look back with awe at all the amazing things that came out of that time: Running! Yoga! Weight loss! Self-esteem!

All of these experiences, these periods of feeling lost, helped me uncover so many aspects of my true self. These undiscovered aspects were hidden deep inside waiting to be freed.

So I've learned that getting lost is an essential part of my journey. The chaos spurs dedication and focus which then leads to actions that change my life.

Trust me, I know that feeling lost and being in periods of unknown, endless chaos is absolutely terrifying. I'm telling you however that if you embrace the fear and use it as fuel, life changing experiences will happen.

Beating Yourself Up from the Inside Out - Cruella-Style

As many of you may know, depression hurts as badly, if not worse, than external injuries. Depression leaves you feeling sore, and achey. Not to mention lethargic and defeated!  These internal wounds can't be healed with Neosporin and bandages. And worse yet, you might not even know what causes them. Not knowing where the attacks are coming from is terrifying. How can you prevent further injury to yourself if you don't know who the attacker is?!

So, I've begun to identity my attacker: Cruella De Vil, the fabulously dressed, husky-voiced, puppy-stealing adversary feared by many an animal-loving Disney child. Yes. Cruella is what I call my inner demon voice. The one that berates me, makes me feel like I'm unworthy, and pushes me towards consoling cupcakes. She knows exactly what to say to break me down. To take away my successes and have me shoveling my face with "comfort food." And then, when I give into her (ie eat something unhealthy for me, or feel unsuccessful) she says, "See, I told you so. You're not worth it. I don't know why you try so hard. You'll never succeed. Sit down, watch this tv show. Here I got you Doritos."

Turns out eating my feelings doesn't make me feel any better. A consoling cupcake or bag of Doritos makes you feel better for about a minute. It pats you on the head, and tells you everything is going to be ok. But it's not ok! That pat on the head cost you a 2.5 mile run-worth of calories!  Even worse, I didn't really want the Doritos. So, she wins. She makes me feel defeated. All the runs and workouts are negated because I stuff my face to silence an inner voice. And yet, I prove the voice right by failing myself and my workout regimen.

So what do you do? Once I've identified my attacker/inner demon, I should try to get rid of them, right? Stop the hurt. End the cycle. Sounds easy, right? Well, another terrifying thing for me, is change. I've been existing at a status quo, but at least I am existing. It's not my best self, or necessarily a truly happy self, but I am able to maintain some semblance of a functional life.  The unknown is often times scarier than the demons we face. What happens if I exorcise those demons and bigger, scarier demons take their place?! I don't know about you, but that terrifies me. Since I lived so long with these smaller, less threatening demons, they feel like a part of me. A mean, hurtful part of me that's hellbent on holding me back from my true potential.  I didn't like having them around, but it was comfortable. I knew what their weapons were and how they intended to use them. Over the past year, I've been able to notice Cruella's voice and separate it from my true inner voice. Do I recognize her every time? No. That witch is sneaky! Of course there are some days I slip and enjoy the comfort of knowing she's there. Enjoy the minute of feeling good and the comforting pat on the head. I'm only human and I'm learning to accept my mistakes. I cannot, however, continue to accept these mistakes. I'm separating the voices, and brushing hers off as false prophecy. I'm learning that I will succeed and the confidence I feel when I push through a big run lasts much longer than a cupcake.

One step at a time. The first big step I've accomplished is separating the voices. And will there be some scary, horrible demon hiding behind it's minion? Maybe. But I've reached the breaking point. The line I'm ready to cross to change.

So here goes.